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Baptized in Water – My Journey

This was written by a client of mine as her personal testimony:

I was baptized May 18, 2012; and it has been an incredible journey that God has taken me on ever since.

He is my Faith Deliverer; He has taken me from total despair and brokenness so many times that I know, that is why I am alive today, because of His deliverance. He has set me FREE from loneliness (abandonment), shame, guilt, fear and depression of my childhood and restored me to wholeness. I know God is my deliverer.

My early childhood was riddled with abuse, abandonment and fear; not knowing if my mother would return at night to my sister and I. Being left alone with unsafe people(when she had the money) and always hungry.

Mother gave us girls up to my father when I was 8 years old he didn’t know how to cope with his own daughter and a new family so when we moved in with him I felt total abandonment because before the family came into my life he was the love of my life; my safe place but with the new family, especially the new wife, I felt completely alone unworthy of his love and abandon within this family.  A few years later Betty wanted to adopt me but I couldn’t resist because I didn’t have anyone that I could talk freely with and communicate my feelings to; so I consented to the adoption which meant in my mind that now I was abandoning my mother and I would never see her again…which is what happened, I don’t remember seeing my mother for 8 years when she came back into my life when my sister got married.

By then I didn’t need my mom, I didn’t want my mom, I didn’t even care too much about my dad; he had left me broken when he emotionally abandoned me years earlier. The winter of my sophomore year Betty left my dad for another man and I had to watch my dad suffer depression and pain that I thought would kill him. Once he recovered from the depression, women & drinking were his coping skills and there wasn’t anything left for me. I can’t remember having a personal conversation with my dad about our lives, ever.
My freshman year in high school I had a boyfriend, who would become my husband, and that is who I loved and cared about. My view of love was so distorted by the way that I had grown up that what I was looking for was unconditional love and he couldn’t give that to me, only God could give me that. I became sexually active at a very young age because that is what I perceived love to be; even though my conscience told me it was wrong. The pull of being accepted was worth giving me to my boyfriend. At this stage of my life I had an knowledge of God; I didn’t KNOW God nor did I have anyone in my life that could direct me to Him.

After 2 short years of being married I could see my life falling into the same lifestyle as my parents  and that was alcohol, abuse and fear; I didn’t know how to communicate my needs, I was never allowed to express my feeling and if I did they were never validated. If some had asked me how I felt the answer would have been “I Don’t Know.”
In May of 2010 I had decided to study the bible but stopped after 8th week because of the fear of my husband might do was to overwhelming and what it might cause in my marriage. For 11 years my son & daughter-in-law had been praying for me to become a disciple.

On March 3, 2012, I drove to church and asked my dear friend, Teresa Cordeiro, if I could move in with her, I was leaving my husband. I started studying the bible and God started changing my life, I devoured the Word and the more I read the more He became alive to me this time.

After 42 years of marriage we divorced…I HATE DIVORCE. But I love God who delivered me into a new life; he took the SHAME away from he; he BROKE that STRONGHOLD…I was free from SHAME for, the 1st time in my life I would walk around without this feeling of dread over me. Loneliness, I will never be lonely again; if no one is with me I know that God is with me always, anywhere, anytime; no matter what I will never be alone again. Fear of doing things like standing up here and now, giving my testimony to you women, sharing my faith, seeking new employment from a job I didn’t like for 15 years. Depression; my temperament is one that depression is right on the verge but when I get in that mood I head for the Word and God supplies me with His joy…What more do I need???

God is answering my prayer; my husband (because I only have one husband) and I have started to communicate again.

I have to take full responsibility for my sin in my marriage; the pain and suffering that I inflicted upon my husband because of the fear, loneliness and depression that had welled up inside of me and the oppression that I believe Satan had on me that I COULDN’T do anything about my situation; that no one could help me. My husband didn’t have the tools to help me…ONLY GOD DID